Raining Milk

There it was: milk coming into the bottles. There was just a little bit, barely a quarter. I had been so tired and stressed out. My nipples looked like Edward Scissor Hands had taken his digits to them; they were red and dry and bruised. Breastfeeding has been a struggle since I gave birth to Claira Iris on January  21st. I had heard that I should try breastfeeding to give her some health benefits at the beginning, so I embarked on one of the most challenging journeys that I have ever taken. Here is what I have found out: some people think that breastfeeding is what you should do, others think formula is fine. 

I have been muddling by doing a mix of both. I wanted answers about what to feed her, and I wanted them now. I didn’t know what to do, so I thought of the manna that the Lord provided to the Israelites when they entered the Promise Land. The manna would arrive each day a little bit at a time: grace in small parts.

John and my mother made me formula bottles when I couldn’t raise my tired head off the chair after trying to breastfeed for hours: a pure grace moment.  Then my milk arrived on Day 6 of being at home: another pure grace moment because I had read that the more you nursed, the faster the milk would arrive; those early days of trying to nurse were so hard, and I had somehow kept it up, minute by minute: Nurse with Claira, use formula, switch to pump, nurse with Claira, switch to pump and then use the formula. I was counting the ticks on the clock, so I could be done.  But through this whole ordeal, God has been faithful. There was manna to be had. Thank you, Jesus.

She said THAT.

Dark red carpet. A stained glass window brings in the light. He speaks: the word of the Lord tumbles from the lips of an amalgam of flesh and spirit. We stare up at him in our church clothes: anxious or tired or sad. We wrongly believe that he is not the same as us: twisted and torn. But he is. This preacher man is a weary sinner like you and me.

Recently, during Sunday School, I heard a gal admit something terrible that she did. She confessed the type of thing that is even hard for me to admit to myself in the confines of my bathtub (This is where I do all my best thinking.). She spoke of her sin so boldly on that Sunday school morning. Not because she was proud of it, but because she wanted her Christian brothers and sisters to know that she struggled with this. I am not candid like this at church. I come in there with several packed on winter coats that reek of sin.  I might give you the first layer or so of honesty, but it is hard for me to put THAT terrible thing out there.

After this woman’s confession, I got thinking about being vulnerable at church. It is important to be vulnerable with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Hebrews 3:13 urges Christians to encourage one another, so each of us can avoid the sin of which we can so easily become entangled. Encouragement only comes when we are being honest about where we are in our life.

Even more importantly, the Lord desires that we be vulnerable when we come to him. He doesn’t want us to come to him sloshing around in pools of makeup and other entanglements. He wants us to come to him like a child. Children are good at being themselves. As a toddler teacher, I have fun watching kids greet their parents when they pick them up. The kids run to them with food plastered to their cartoon t-shirts and with arms outstretched. This is how the Lord wants us to come to him. Because when we are at our most vulnerable, we have the most teachable hearts: God holds us in his big lap and wipes our stained t-shirts before infusing us with the truth we so desperately needed to hear.

Frailties

She talks to me in a strange monotone or a hyper British accent. And she provides correction when I veer off into some random fairy tale land in my head and miss my turn, and realize that, sigh, I am lost again.

I am talking about the GPS. I am so grateful to have this device of the twenty-first century. I have never had a great sense of direction. People tell me things like: “Go North or East,” and honestly, I just don’t get it. My brain doesn’t process it.

This is one of my many weaknesses. The Lord knows we are frail, and we need his assistance in many areas.

The verse, Psalm 103:13-14, is my guiding verse for this blog.

It says: "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."
The Lord made me and knows that I am not up to snuff in a lot of areas. But he says: "It’s okay, child. I am going to guide you through your life. It’s alright that you can’t do it all.”

This brings me a lot of peace.

A Hard Command

“How can I help you, Ma’am?” asked the man on the other end of the phone. I wondered where he was. Perhaps he was in New York City, sipping a hot coffee purchased from one of those street vendors.  Or maybe he was in Shanghai, China, looking out the window at architecture that looks so beautiful, it is almost alien.

Today, while trying to make an appointment, I faced what can be a frustrating experience; I was continuously connected to a call center.

In our humanness, it is easy to think that these people are just talking drones. But it is important to remember that these faceless voices have lives: they button their pants just like you or I, worry about money, dream, sing in the car and face death.

Being loving to others is important.  In this circumstance, I’ll admit that I may have had a bit of an easier go of it. I used to work in a call center.

 I remember hearing the impatient sigh when the person on the other end of the line realized he or she was talking to someone who could not help them. I remember being screamed and cursed at.  Every once in a while, you would get someone who was nice, and this would give you enough sweet fuel to get you through the next five calls.

But while trying to make this appointment, even I felt a tinge of frustration that threatened to turn to outward anger when I was continuously tossed back to the call center. In the very well-known passage, Matthew 22:39, it says: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” So I stuffed down my sinfulness and made sure I sounded cheerful.  

We all must remember that your neighbor may be that shaky voice on the other end of the phone. Show them love. By showing them love, we are a good witness for our father in heaven.

Thanks

I stare at fairy-tale-worthy-cliffs just after hearing a harp player sing and strum. I ache as I experience the throes of PMS. I wash the bathroom floor. I cry for a friend who has experienced a deep loss. These are all things that I have experienced in this life. Mundane things, unbelievable things, annoying things, hard things: these events make up our days on this earth.

In the midst of all of this, it is important that we thank the Lord.  In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, it says: “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Being thankful is hard in a lot of situations. It is hard, of course, in the trying times. But it can also be hard when things are going well. We often don’t stop to thank the Lord when we experience something beautiful.

On a recent vacation, I saw the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland. It was a last minute decision to go visit them. A funny Irishman told us we could not leave until we saw them. So we got in the car and did just that.

After going up several stairs, I heard the strumming of a harp and this woman singing. She was sitting to the side of the stairs with the majestic instrument nestled between her legs. Just above her you could see the cliffs: Bright green grass shines upon multi-colored rock. Water laps at the bottom, in and out. God, in his infinite wisdom, formed the greenery and stone and the water below, so that every part had its own shade and depth.

Incredible.

While I think I was thankful when I saw all of this, I don’t think I was praising HIM, the one who made it all.
Now, as I look at the pictures, all I can think is: Thank God. Thank God.

And Here We Are Again

    God gave me a brain. Thank you, God, for my brain. But can I ask you something, Lord? Can you fix this button up there in my amygdala? It's stuck. This cartoonish red button is stuck in the on position twenty four hours a day.
    Y'all, my panic button is never not pressed. The problem is that I try. I try so hard all the time. I think: If I don't always have this button pressed, everything just won't work.
    How ridiculous!  This is my flesh talking, of course, because I am not the one connecting mystical wires in the universe so that water weaves among rocks in the rapid and so that food fills the grocery stores.
    The Lord has been so gracious with me, though. He is teaching me about trust yet again. This is my 500th trust lesson, but he never gives up on me.
    In Romans 15:13, it says: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
    As Christians, we must trust our creator as we go about our days.

Sensitive Little Flower

Matthew 26:73-74: “After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, ‘Surely you are one of them; your accent gives you away.’ Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, ‘I don’t know the man!’ Immediately a rooster crowed.”

The red-faced, shy, pudgy girl raced to the table. She wanted to sit next to him. She thought that if she did, he might say or do something.

They ate in silence for a bit: her heart was a bobbing empty bottle on the ocean. Why does he just sit there?

Then he smiled: her bottle heart was a new boat now: freshly-painted and sturdy, able to take on the waves.

Years later, she still has the same heart.

It’s hard not to be controlled by the approval or disapproval of others.  It helps to know that Jesus experienced personal rejection. The Lord is denied by his disciple, Peter, three times.  This was a man who was a close friend of Jesus. 

I am a sensitive person who often crumbles when rejected by those I love. I am tempted to think that I am not full unless I have the approval of everyone.  In 1 Corinthians 10:13, the Lord says:  “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

This is the way out: Let your heart be consumed by the Lord. Depending on the approval of others won’t work. Float confidently in the Father’s loving hands.